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DahlingMia
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Name: Dahling
Birthday: 5/22/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading, trying to lose weight, and playing intense games of solitaire.
Expertise: None just yet. I'm going to school for that.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/3/2004
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| I haven't been on here since April and that's so crazy.
I used to be on here nearly everyday and sometimes twice a day.
Anyways. I'm just going to update that my ticker needs to be at 30.1 lbs lost since I had a horrible May and June and only recently am I quasi-on-track.
Guess which diet I'm on. I'll give you a few seconds.
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I'm on the "MY BOYFRIEND DUMPED ME AND I STILL LIVE WITH HIM AND I'M HOOKING UP WITH ONE OF MY CO-WORKERS THAT I'VE HAD A CRUSH ON FOR THE PAST YEAR AND IT TURNS OUT HE STARTED LIKING ME A FEW MONTHS AGO SO HE'S ALL OVER ME NOW THAT I'M BROKEN UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND MAYBE I'LL GO TO SOUTH KOREA IN JANUARY AND TEACH ENGLISH" diet.
Is that a catchy name for a diet or what?
So here's a little back tracking.
HB and I are both arguers and on July 11th he told me he wanted to take a break and maybe break-up since things don't seem to be improving between us. We're always arguing about the same things and never really coming up with solutions. I think that's mainly his fault since he gets heated during arguments and will eventually start cussing and throwing stuff so I just leave, rather than be worried that it might somehow get abusive or that something might hit me.
He said all of this really calmly. We were both in bed about to go to sleep. He said that he didn't want to look for a new girlfriend, but that I could feel free to look for a new boyfriend. As long as I don't just sleep around then maybe if we figure things out then we could get back together. I was kind of tired of his bs and since he agreed that he wouldn't be allowed to look for a new girl and he would just focus on work and he was really calm about it and not just mad that I did something wrong right before, I agreed that we could take a break. I said that as long as he doesn't try to hook up with a girl or something, then maybe we could get back together, but I'm in no way responsible to him any longer. On top of the stipulations, for once, I was feeling like maybe I could move on from him and be okay.
The sort of reason for this is because the night before, well, my coworker (we'll call him T) and I kissed.
Okay. Okay. I'm a horrible person. I know. It was really random and completely accidental . . . for me. It turns out he'd been trying to figure out a way to kiss me or somehow transmit that he liked me for months without seeming obvious.
Anyways. I had a girlfriend crush on him from the jump. You know, the kind of crush you have because you know that you'll never do anything with this person so it doesn't hurt to look. We work together in the after school/summer camp program now, but when we met I was working in the food pantry as an administrative assistant. I nearly jizzed my pants when I first saw him, but when I looked at him, I thought he was like 17. So that felt a little skeevy, but then when he filled out the volunteer form, I saw that he was actually a year older than me. So then I felt really nervous about talking to him, but he was really cool and what not, but he totally just thought of me as the girl who works at the food pantry. So he volunteered at the food pantry and then he started working at the after school program within the same organization as the food pantry I worked at. Then when I graduated from college they asked me to work in the summer camp program. So I got hired and T and I ended up on the same team because we already knew each other and we got along pretty well. I wanted him pretty hard, but I had a boyfriend. I still told everyone except for him that I had a mondo-crush on him. He had a girl lined up though so nothing was ever going to happen between us, which of course spawned my love affair with him to the ultimate depths. Anyways.
I was kind of over him during the school year when I got hired as all year staff. I crushed on him during certain times of the month, but in general I just like being friends with him. In fact, when my friend Kel's boyfriend broke up with her, I tried to hook them up to no avail. T and I went out on weekends a lot, but it was just friends, really. Anyways. One night he calls me and he's really smashed and he says, "I love you." There's like an hour long pause and then he says, "I didn't mean that." So I burst out laughing. I ragged on him for a few weeks. Also, his ex girlfriend kept asking him if he had a woody whenever T and I hugged.
Okay so July 10, I went out to meet up with my college freshman year friend who just moved back from New York. I invited T along and we all got dinner together. T had been invited out by his roommates to go out to some places in Boston and he invited me to go with him. My friend started feeling sick so she went back to her apartment before T and I went to go meet up with him roommates. When we got there I ordered this drink that doesn't have a name. I asked for two parts vodka and one part bailey's. The bartender gets the mixture correctly, but he gives me two glasses. I take them, but I figure I'll have just these two drinks for the rest of the night. There are about two shots of vodka in each glass and I'm usually fairly toasty after two drinks. Anyways. So I'm about halfway through my first glass when one of T's roommates wants to leave and go to another bar to finish off the night. So now I have to chug these two drinks and I feel okay for a few minutes and I'm thinking maybe my tolerance has gone up. As I'm walking though, it starts to hit me and I'm holding onto T to keep me from running into traffic or falling over. It's cool and he's laughing at me and we go to the other place and one of his roommates buys us all a drink. So at this point I'm thinking a beer to chase the vodka is a perfectly fine idea. T doesn't do anything to stop me. We have to leave before 1am to catch the last bus back home.
Btw: We missed it so instead of catching a cab, I want to walk home (takes a little over an hour to walk from where we were in Boston to get to where I live in Cambridge). So we're walking, but we get close to where I work and I need to go pee. So we go to our job and the whole place is flooded. I guess the roofers didn't put a tarp on the roof right before they left for the rainstorm. So I still go to the bathroom and T, being a nice guy, decides to start mopping.
Okay. So T and I play a game where we try to get secrets out of each other. Most of the time he's way more drunk so I find out more, but this is the first time I'm more drunk and he's asking me all this stuff. Like, I had this dream the night before my birthday and in it we lived together and T liked me, but he doesn't tell me until our boss, who also lives with us, gets back. So he tries to kiss me and then he wants to do more with me, but we never do the deed in the dream. At first I reject him because I have a boyfriend, but then I change my mind and say that I'm going to break-up with HB for him because we're not working out all that well anyway. So I had told Toby parts of the dream, but I told him there were parts that I didn't want to share with him because it would feel awkward. Anyways. He got me to tell him the dream on a trade of secrets when we were walking and holding hands. I don't know when we started holding hands, but we were and I liked it and I didn't mind holding his hand because it felt intimate in a drunk, we're friends, and I hold hands with plenty of my friends kind of way.
While he's mopping though, I'm laying on the couch and he stops to talk to me and hug me intermittently (sp?) and one of his hugs was really long. I tapped him out of it like three times, but he was holding on. He told me later it was because he was deciding whether to attempt kissing me or if things might go too far or it might seem really sketchy if he tried there. So he held off and when I tapped him out he figured that meant I wasn't interested.
So he finally finishes mopping up and we pull the rug out and put in on the fence on the playground outside and we start walking to my place again. As we're walking we talk about coworkers and kids and random stuff and we're holding hands but I keep running off and so he puts his arm around my waist as well as holding my hand so I don't keep running away (it's a habit I have when I'm drunk). I don't run far, but I run to whatever I'm newly interested in. So we're one street away from where I live when he starts tickling me. I struggle out of his strong hold and then I tickle him back, but we call a truce and we hug on it. Then he starts kissing my neck and I pull back and he says sorry. I'm thinking it's no big deal. It's not the first time a drunk guy has tried to hit on me so I say okay and hug him again and then he does it again. So I pull back and I'm like, "Is he for serious?" Then we kiss and btw, he's a way good kisser and I had thought he had small lips, but they are fine and he's holding me close and I'm kind of thinking how weird this is and how good it is, but how weird this is going to be at work tomorrow. So I step back and I'm pretty sure I look weirded out. Anyways, we both agree that didn't happen . . . even though it did and it's on my mind the entire next day.
Then that night HB says he wants to break up and I'm thinking how I totally should have kissed T more and how T is a way good kisser and if a guy as hot as him could be remotely interested in me, then maybe a guy slightly less hot but better than HB could be out there and it wouldn't be so bad to be without HB even though I love him.
So I wanted to tell Toby the following week, but I couldn't since we just kissed and I didn't want him to feel like I wanted to break up with HB because he kissed me and now I wanted him to be my new boyfriend or something. It just happened to occur the day after and in a way it kind of made me feel a little better about myself and how I am now. I told T the following week and I told him the terms of our deal, but I also clarified that it wasn't because of him (No, I didn't tell HB. There was no need since it supposedly never happened), but that as my friend he would have to help me find a new boyfriend. So he yawned and put his arm on my shoulder and I scooted out and said, "For serious, find me a new boyfriend." I told my friends at dinner that HB and I might be broken up for reals and some didn't believe me. HB and I have been together for a little over 5.5 years so it might seem a little unbelievable.
After dinner all of us went to a bar close to Northeastern and then T and I had to leave together to get the train. We had said the next day after the kiss thing, that maybe we shouldn't go home alone together, but then I was like, I'm not that hot. We can and should be able to go home together and it should not be that big of a deal. Anyways. As we're walking to catch the train, T stops me and pulls me in to kiss me. I was a little surprised, but kind of happy, and also thinking I had nothing to lose. So since then T and I have been "hooking up" and I'm not exactly sure that's the right term for it. We've had sex and he's been super nice to me and complimentary.
I feel like I've been waiting for HB to finish. Like, finish his undergrad, and now his PhD and then for him to be ready to marry me. I've just been waiting and he doesn't like that I'm "only" working. So I've already sent in some applications to go to South Korea and teach English to some recruitment sites. They've responded to me and I hope to go sometime in January, even though March seems like a more popular time to go. I feel excited to start moving on and doing some of the things I've been wanting to do without having to worry that HB might not be there for me. He's not there for me and if he's there when I get back from South Korea then we'll see if it works out. He's already saying he wants to get back together and that he only said he wanted to break up because he wanted me to jump and start changing things, but I feel like after 5 years, he knows if he wants to make a life for me and I'm done changing myself for him. He either takes me as I am or he leaves me. So far he said he wants to leave me and I think he really wants to get back together with me because I might be leaving to South Korea and I might not ever come back to crappy Cambridge and all it's granola filled streets. I'll obviously go back to Boston, but who knows how I'll feel after being away for a year.
I looked at that book, "He's just not that into you." I read about breaking up and I kind of agree with how I've handled being dumped. I've been completely polite to HB, as much as I can, but I try to be gone as much as possible. He misses me, but mostly I want to be with anyone other than him. If he really wants me then he'll get me a wedding ring and be with me forever. I'm not putting my life on hold for him anymore.
Anyways. That post was too long and now HB is sitting next to me and I just want to go to the mall or something. I'm done waiting for him and I'm thinking about going to a movie all by myself just to get away from his boring, doesn't love me the way I need to be loved, self.
~mia love/hate
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| and I think we all know what that means.
There was pizza, Japanese (not sushi, more like the teriyaki party stuff), and Italian (I know pizza is supposedly Italian, but it wasn't the same place). Now I'm in a dilemma. I don't know if I should have my planned dinner to keep myself from feeling deprived, even though I had all that deliciousness this afternoon, or if I should just suffer through the night and hopefully lose another pound by tomorrow morning. I dunno.
I came into work early thinking that I would be doing some extra walking around with hanging up posters and giving brochures to our local schools, but instead I sat for an hour and a half to just sit and eat. I honestly like being lazy, but I don't like gaining weight from it. Also, I'm going to be sitting in a car doing it tomorrow, since we're going to get all the schools that are out of walking distance tomorrow.
I think I've decided to just eat the extra calories and tomorrow I'll leave extra room for anything that might come up unexpected for lunch time (which is the meal I now skip).
There's not much for me to say about life right now.
HB's birthday is this Friday and it would be nice if I could get .6lbs down before then. So far this week I've already dropped 3.6lbs.
~mia love/hate
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| So I'm still trying to lose weight.
I've been avoiding purging for so long and now I have to pay the price by being a chunky monkey. I looked into the national health challenge and that's kind of motivated me, even though I'm not really following all of their recipes, just being able to look at the stuff on there is kind of motivating.
Right now HB is in the room, but I can just close my laptop if he comes by.
I already spilled out everything in my last entry so I'm kind of cleared out of what I need to say.
Today I took a shower for an hour and a half so that I would have something to do while HB went to his lab. I get so lonely at night and he's been doing a lot of work at night for a while so that is definitely another contributing factor to gaining weight. I used to use that time to binge and purge, and feel really happy about it. I don't know where I'm going in my life right now.
While I was in the shower I prayed that I could be more successful and better able to handle all of what life throws at me. I feel like I wasn't told or informed of a lot of what I was expected to do in this life, but I'm just supposed to know what to do and I don't. As part of what I said I'm going to church this Sunday.
I haven't been going to church because I feel like the church is very geared towards Harvard (it's students, alumni, and faculty). I was getting really upset because I don't really like this whole Harvard focused environment and I feel like my church should be about the entire community and not just the main school of the area. Also, I had wanted to volunteer for the ESOL program (teaching English to those of other languages) and in the newsletter it said they really needed volunteers and I sent an e-mail two days later and she said she was filled up. I don't know. I just felt kind of discriminated against or something. So it really kept me from going up until now. I'm going to go this Sunday though. I think I need God's support in this life and it doesn't matter what the church people want to focus on as long as I'm getting the word of God delivered to me during the service.
I'm not super-religious, but I do like feeling accountable to some higher being and I like feeling supported by that higher being, especially when I feel like I don't get any support from the people in my life (which is my fault since I don't like to rely upon others and I feel like I should do for myself).
Either way; HB and I are going to sleep and I have to sign off.
~mia love/hate
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| Life has been kind of sucky for me lately. I've gained weight. I'm struggling to keep up with my bills.
So I haven't been on since before Thanksgiving of last year. That's when the winter blues seemed to really start getting to me. I started feeling extremely lonely, but I didn't want to go out either. I thrive on going out and seeing people and basically sizing them up and seeing how I compare. That's when my personality starts coming out and I keep track of how I look and it also keeps me from eating.
Sometime in December I decided to try to be healthier and stop purging, just restricting my calorie intake. As a fellow mia for years, though, I just ended up gaining weight and I didn't compensate for it. For me, going to the gym doesn't make me lose weight it just makes me look better with whatever weight I'm at. So that's how that is.
I don't know if I mentioned this before, (because I can't remember exactly when my mom decided this) but my mom gave my room to my sister. Now, I've never really felt like part of my family, but my bedroom was kind of my place in the house and it always was kind of my safety net. Well, she gave it away and she didn't ask me. I never thought she would do that since I always thought she wanted me to stay and live at home. I obviously couldn't do that though, because I don't work in the same city that my family's house is in. I needed a job and this job paid more than my other offer so I went with the better choice.
So it was kind of upsetting to me that the bedroom that I begged and worked on to get re-modeled for me is being given away to my sister who only ever works for herself and seems to just get whatever she wants whenever she wants. I know that I'm an adult and that I'm living with my boyfriend, but what if we don't work out? Then I have no place to go because she's given away my room. It kind of feels like she just expects me to marry HB and I don't need a home anymore. I have no idea if HB and I are going to get married and if things are actually going to work out. We generally get along and have a lot of the same values, but we also have our differences and they may end up being too big for us to end up married in the end.
Also, my address is still listed as my family's house and so some of my bills would got sent there. So as soon as I thought I had worked everything out financially so that I could start saving up to go to graduate school, my mom calls me weeks after a bill is due to tell me I have to add that in. Oh, and she's known about the bill for like a month and a half and doesn't tell me until after it's due. I'm worried my credit is going into the $#itter because she just doesn't tell me if a new bill has come in. I'm finally just saying screw it to my savings and dipping into them to pay off some stuff on time.
I just don't feel like there is anyone I can ever rely upon. HB lends me money or whatever but that's just a small amount of money and I'm struggling to keep up with everything I have to pay for. HB keeps saying that it's stuff that my mom should have paid for or should be paying for as her duty as my mother, but I always tell him he thinks that because he's rich. I actually agree though. I can understand no having a lot of money, but if you're going to have a kid, then you should be able to pay for all of those big things. I'm just really mad the poor decisions my mother made at age 20 are once again lowering the quality of my life. I know that she's focused on giving my younger sister everything she couldn't give to me and that she's kind of given up on me and I can't argue because supposedly I'm an adult.
It's just another reason I don't think I was meant for this life. The days are kind of hard and I'm just going through the motions to try to get by. I don't know if I can continue on this way. It would just be nice if the hard times would start to ease up.
HB has kind of been an @$$-hat to me over, like, the past year and a half. He doesn't know how much I carry his words with me. When I lived at home (like, high school), I spent most of my time in my bedroom (ie: why I'm upset that my mom is giving it away) because it's really hard for me to take a lot of what someone important says to me. My mom has always been my main critic, but she always does in that Southern Belle kind of way (she's not from the south though, unless being Puerto Rican counts). She won't directly just say, "Oh, I don't like it when . . . . , please stop." She'll say, "Oh, I really just can't believe so-and-so would do such a terrible thing. Can you believe they did that? I know I raised my kids better than that, so you guys would never do such a thing, now would you?" She always beats around the bush by criticizing someone else as your hint not to do something and you can't ask her if she's actually wanting you to stop something because she'll always say no even when she means yes. HB is always joking around, but it's usually at my expense when we're alone. So, I don't know if he's legitimitely (sp?) joking or it's an actual jibe at me. I end up carrying these little negative things with me and I don't know how to be less sensitive.
Now that's all I want to say for now. I'm lonely right now because HB is off doing work and I thought he would be spending time with me on my day off. Instead I'm alone, even though he agreed to give me a nice day all because his partner didn't finish her spread-sheet for the homework due tomorrow.
I'm off.
~mia love (for all you girls)/hate ('s paying bills) | | |
| Happy Early Thanksgiving!
I know that it's not a happy holiday for a lot of you girls & boys out there. My plan of action is to have coffee in the morning; have one plate that I fill with what I want, as much as I want, and then if I'm hankering for more, then I'll have a small cup of cereal.
Tomorrow I get my surprise and my sister said that it's not a person, but something and we're going to take pictures with it. So now I know that I don't have to get super-dressed-up; just regular nice. Today I've eaten way more than I should have, and I still haven't looked up the calories for everything. Hopefully it's all lower than I thought and I'll be okay.
Anyways. I had a bad dream last night that kind of started off like a video game where I'm traveling through a forest with this guy from this game I can't remember the name of. Then I started taking a bath in this weird tub in HB's bedroom and he tells me he's going out with some girl he goes to school with. While he's gone his roommie comes into the room in his underwear and is trying to talk to me while I'm trying to take a bath. Luckily I decided to wear a white dress in the bath, but I still want him out because he's a frickin' weirdo in his undies and I need to get ready for my sister who's supposed to come over. When HB comes back he's really dressed up like he went out on a date so I get out and I start yelling at him and my sister shows up and she's kind of taken aback by the situation. I start pounding my fists on HB and I see down the hallway, the girl that he went out with and I tell her to get out. The girl in my dream looks like the complete opposite of me. She has blonde curly hair and she's white but she looks like she tans during the summer well into fall (you've probably met girls like that). It's not a bad thing in my opinion to tan or anything, but she just seemed really into the way she looked like she thought she was the -ish. I tell her to get out and she tells me that she's a guest of HB's and she'll stay as long as he wants her to and HB has his stupid smirk on his face. He always has it when he thinks I'm being ridiculous and angry.
That dream made me so mad and I'm actually still mad at him even though it was all in my head.
I have to go though. HB just called me and told me he's coming back now. Btw: My cals are at 572 so far and I'm having dinner with HB.
~edit~HB went food shopping. So, I'm back.
Maybe I finally have my act together. I've had 892 cals today and I'm done. As it is, I've made this week's gw, but maybe I can make next week's gw by Monday and then I can try to maintain that when I'm in PR. I'm pretty excited about going down and showing HB my roots. We're going to Patillas and then to Maunabo to visit both my mother's and father's side of the family. It's too bad I couldn't get my act together enough to be maybe 10 lbs lighter. That would have been nice, but in the end it doesn't really matter.
Two of my favorite kids from the summer came to the afterschool today and we spent from 11-5:30 together. They participated in my activity of yoga and seemed to have a good time. I definitely miss my team of kids from the summer. I still have some of them but I miss having them all and knowing that I loved my team the most.
Anyhow, tonight HB are going for a jog since we didn't go to the gym this morning. I hope that HB doesn't try to make me go during the all new episode of Project Runway. I really like the new cast.
If you live in the Cambridge, MA area; I highly reccommend going to Union square and going to Reliable market , a Korean supermarket, and pick yourself up some instant miso soup. I think the brand I got was Shinsyu-ichi (unless that means something else). It is soooo good and it tastes like restaurant quality and it will definitely hit the spot when you start craving something hearty. If you're super hungry, boil some chicken and dip it in the soup for some super-filling deliciousness. Miso soup is only 25 cals. Depending on how much chicken you have it will be 80-130 cals, making it altogether less than 200 calories.
Good luck girls. The winter makes me hungry so hopefully filling up on soups like miso soup will curb your hunger. This entry is way too long.~end edit~
~mia love/hate | | |
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